Tuesday, 29 July 2008

Food control

I have been writing a journal, for many years now but specifically the last few weeks for my psychologist.

The following is an extract, it may not be well written, I just kind of blurted.

I feel I have been bingeing or at least constantly eating for ‘like ever’. A few weeks or more.

Maybe a breakthrough thought or maybe nonsense. I am eating today, and Miss T is sick and I can’t go to the gym, the school has messed up again and my son has been in tears, I have been arguing with the school. My mam is not happy in England and I am thinking about my decision to live here. Mam cried a lot and I cried cos I feel I can’t help her.

I wonder if I eat because I feel like I can’t control these other things, they do annoy and upset me but is the problem that I can’t control them so I turn to food that I can (now that I am older and buy my own food) control. I decide when and if and what I want to eat. Even though I feel like I am out of control with my eating perhaps I am actually in control of it.

On a rational level I know I can’t control all of these other things, well most of them anyway.

Is food the one thing in my life that I feel I have control over? Obviously on a much deeper level because on the surface I feel like it controls me.

1 comment:

Kek said...

Journals can be a great tool. I do hope you get to the bottom of things, Claire.

But one thing I've learned is that you don't have to wait till you figure out/resolve all your issues before you start doing something about the bingeing behaviour. It's never easy, but like fitness, you just keep plugging away at it, regardless of setbacks.

I'm sorry you're missing your Mam - it must be hard knowing she's so sad when you can't be there.