I have been writing a journal, for many years now but specifically the last few weeks for my psychologist.
The following is an extract, it may not be well written, I just kind of blurted.
I feel I have been bingeing or at least constantly eating for ‘like ever’. A few weeks or more.
Maybe a breakthrough thought or maybe nonsense. I am eating today, and Miss T is sick and I can’t go to the gym, the school has messed up again and my son has been in tears, I have been arguing with the school. My mam is not happy in England and I am thinking about my decision to live here. Mam cried a lot and I cried cos I feel I can’t help her.
I wonder if I eat because I feel like I can’t control these other things, they do annoy and upset me but is the problem that I can’t control them so I turn to food that I can (now that I am older and buy my own food) control. I decide when and if and what I want to eat. Even though I feel like I am out of control with my eating perhaps I am actually in control of it.
On a rational level I know I can’t control all of these other things, well most of them anyway.
Is food the one thing in my life that I feel I have control over? Obviously on a much deeper level because on the surface I feel like it controls me.