Food control

I have been writing a journal, for many years now but specifically the last few weeks for my psychologist.

The following is an extract, it may not be well written, I just kind of blurted.

I feel I have been bingeing or at least constantly eating for ‘like ever’. A few weeks or more.

Maybe a breakthrough thought or maybe nonsense. I am eating today, and Miss T is sick and I can’t go to the gym, the school has messed up again and my son has been in tears, I have been arguing with the school. My mam is not happy in England and I am thinking about my decision to live here. Mam cried a lot and I cried cos I feel I can’t help her.

I wonder if I eat because I feel like I can’t control these other things, they do annoy and upset me but is the problem that I can’t control them so I turn to food that I can (now that I am older and buy my own food) control. I decide when and if and what I want to eat. Even though I feel like I am out of control with my eating perhaps I am actually in control of it.

On a rational level I know I can’t control all of these other things, well most of them anyway.

Is food the one thing in my life that I feel I have control over? Obviously on a much deeper level because on the surface I feel like it controls me.

Kids parties and presents

We are going to a 3 year olds birthday party tomorrow. With the invitation came the following note:-

J has books and toy and clothes galore,
Everyday it's growing more.
So for this special day we ask of you,
Please no gifts, yes it's true.
Instead we ask you to bring a plate,
Lollies, chips, anything would be great.
So come along and join the fun,
Watch the kids hop, skip and run.

I think this is a great idea, similar to another where everyone was asked to bring a brand new teddy bear and they were all donated to the children's hospital. Me and the girls have spent the afternoon making a special birthday card.

However, a few of my friends are having difficulty with the concept and are feeling guilty. Would you?

Concerts

I just booked tickets to see Stevie Wonder in October and Billy Joel in December. Hope I get to see Billy Joel this time. I had tickets to see him in the UK years ago and he got a sore throat and cancelled. I was gutted.

Whilst I am excited at seeing these two, I am less excited that the cost of the tickets for both of them is going to hit my credit card this month, together with cost of our new deck and the kids clothes I bought in the sales.

Never mind easy come - easier go. That sounds like Easiyo - just what I had on my muesli for breakfast.

Personal space

My 3 year old daughter is here trying to put on her shoes. She got them on the wrong feet and said that if she had some personal space she would be able to do it right. She continued muttering, I need some personal space with nobody else around, she repeated and saw me watching her. She said I need some personal space with nobody else around, only you.

She loves me I think.

Feeling strong

Well it is almost the last day of the school holidays, my son goes back on Tuesday, and we survived with very little wreckage. We kept busy, and I hid in the gym a bit while my kids were in creche, but that's ok.

I don't normally post about my training because lately it is very ho hum, what with my shoulder problems and my knee problems, I have found my training to be more rehab than anything else and very boring, but yesterday I felt really strong. I was able to increase (with the approval of my physio) most weights, increase my running to 10 mins!!?? and increase the speed and resistance on the bike. I also introduced new weights that I have not been able to do for about 2 years.

Overall I felt stronger and happier and really enjoyed it, I can see that things are improving but also mindful that I need to go very slowly.

I think it also helped that I saw the Jamie Oliver program and Wednesday. I think I realised that despite my injuries, I am a lot healthier and stronger than those people on that program and that I should be grateful for that.

Just this week, I have been focusing myself on not what foods can't I have, but what foods can I have that make me strong and healthy and happy so this program was a timely reminder of the reasons I try to make the right choices, it is not all about being thin and never has been.

As a trainer and a mum, I know what and how, I just now need to master the doing.

Image above from http://www.flickr.com/photos/kasandra16/

Yappy dog

My neighbours have acquired a dog that has yapped and cried almost non stop for 2 days and nights. I am not sure at this stage whether it is their dog or if they are looking after it for a friend. Either way, I hope it settles down soon.

Physio

Good news at the physio this week. My left knee is almost good, right knee improved heaps and nearly there.

The monkey bars episode on the weekend did not cause too much damage to my shoulder (I got carried away with the kids). My physio did not shout too loudly.

I don't need to go back for 2 weeks. I have been weekly for as long as I can remember, actually I did have a two week appointment last year, but only one and it was back to weekly so I am happy with that. I can also slowly increase my training again. However I need to remember slowly.

1995

13 years ago today I was in Barbados with my parents, brother and sister and best friends, drinking a cocktails, dancing and celebrating my wedding to my wonderful husband.

Today I was sat freezing cold in a park in Carlingford watching my girls having heaps of fun on the playground. It took me two cups of tea to warm up after meeting my husband for lunch.

Despite spending 1/2 the afternoon preparing my tax return (no where near finished yet), I have had a nice day. It's not Barbados but I am actually very happy with my lot.

Kids and days off

Miss T finished preschool yesterday so we had a day on our own together. I have to say it is much cheaper to put kids in preschool than to have them with you for a day.

She got, new leggings, pretty pink boots and a necklace. She also convinced me to stop for a milkshake and a cup cake, so I decided to join her and ordered a small hot chocolate and a caramel crunch. It is so long since I have had a caramel crunch and it looked yummy so I thought, why not?

Miss T licked the icing (pink I might add) off the top of the cupcake and had 1/4 of her milkshake and said she had a tummy ache. That is her speak for I have eaten too much food, or that food makes me feel sick. I was also feeling the same, I had one mouthful of slice and thought this is way too sweet, I had two more bites and decided that I just don't like this kind of food anymore.

My brain remembers that it used to taste delicious but now, I just don't like it.

I have this occasionally with coffee. I couldn't stand the taste of coffee when I was pregnant with my first child so it was easy to give it up. After I finished feeding, I tried it again. To this day I don't like it. However sometimes I crave the taste so I try some but it just doesn't taste like I remember.

The food ended in the rubbish, we didn't persevere with it.

What the future holds

The psychic party on Sunday was fun. 10 of us girls sat around chatting and stressing about what our readings would reveal.

The psyshic was spot on with all of us. I have never had a reading before and had always been too scard to, but this lady came highly recommended.

Girls were told, they would have babies, girls were told their marriage problems would be better in two years, girls were told they would have new businesses, some of our children would go to private schools, one should definitely attend the wedding she was thinking of not going to. I am going to travel to New Zealand and buy an investment property there and I will have the money to do it.

My husband and I will be together forever and are each others strength.

One of my daughters needs protecting from spirits, not because they are a danger to her but so that she can be a child and get some restful sleep.

I know I have been pretty vague here, but the way she picked everyone's character and issues was amazing. We will being seeing her again for sure.

Today, I am taking the girls to see Playschool at the RSL.

New arrivals

My girlfriend in Queensland gave birth to twin girls on 18 June at 29 weeks. That's 11 weeks early! She says they are doing well and she is able to do all the nappy changes and face cleaning.

M was 1279g and R was 895g

The girls are very little but are both on milk.

We are sending our love and hoping that the girls grow big and strong like their sisters.